‘…the Government will introduce legislation to ban all gang insignia in public places, create greater powers to stop criminal gangs from gathering in groups and communicating, and give greater weight to gang membership at sentencing… Police will be able to issue dispersal notices, which will require gang members to immediately leave the area and not associate with one another for seven days… Courts will be able to issue non-consorting orders, which will stop specified gang offenders from associating or communicating with one another for up to three years.’
New Zealand Government media statement, 25 February 2024
Winge: Good evening and welcome to In Your Face, the show that tells it as you would like it to be. I’m Thelma Winge.
Yesterday the Government announced new measures to combat what it calls the growing problem of public facial hair. Legislation to be introduced to Parliament early next month will ban anyone from appearing in public with a beard and moustache, or from promoting or encouraging the growth of facial hair. The new law will also ban bearded persons from gathering together or associating with one another.
Already, in the twenty-four hours since the Government’s announcement, there has been considerable controversy. Earlier today, a crowd of protesters demonstrated outside Parliament.
Here to explain the Government’s plans is the Minister of Police, Lance Boyle.
Good evening, Minister, and thank you for coming on the show. Your proposed beard ban, as people are calling it, has aroused a lot of opposition. It’s been described as the thin end of the wedge, and another step towards a police state. What is your response?
Boyle: Let me first of all correct a misapprehension. This is a moderate measure, designed to reduce crime. We have no intention of banning beards as such. Anyone will be as free as they are now to grow a beard whenever they wish. They simply won’t be allowed to have a beard and a moustache at the same time. If necessary, the Police will have power to detain them and subject them to compulsory shaving or trimming.
Winge: That seems pretty drastic. Why is it necessary?
Boyle: All your viewers will be familiar with the steady rise in crime over the last several years. Indeed, many of them will have suffered from the unwelcome attentions of the growing number of criminals in our once law-abiding community. In part, this has been made possible by some criminal elements hiding their intentions behind an increasing profusion—I might even say proliferation—of facial hair.
Winge: Are you suggesting that people with beards and moustaches are more likely to commit crimes?
Boyle: Exactly. According to Stats NZ, 34 percent of men convicted of crime in this country have both beards and moustaches. But for those with moustaches only, the crime rate is only 8 percent. By removing beards we will reduce offending by three-quarters, and make crime prevention simpler. The more people’s faces are obscured, the more difficult it is to predict from their appearance whether they are likely to commit crimes.
Winge: This sounds like a return to that discredited 19th-century pseudo-science of phrenology, which suggested that you could divine someone’s character from the shape of their skull.
Boyle: Not at all. My colleague the Minister of Science, Innovation and Technology assures me that the Government’s plan has solid scientific backing.
Winge: Have you or your officials seen this scientific evidence?
Boyle: Not yet, but I have the Minister’s assurance and, of course, I accept that.
Winge: Does this mean that in future all people who have both beards and moustaches will be committing a criminal offence?
Boyle: No, not if they submit to shaving, or to having their facial hair trimmed to the legal length.
Winge: How will you define what qualifies as a beard or a moustache? Does it depend on the shape, or the length, or what?
Boyle: The details are still being worked out, but I can say that basically any growth of hair on the face above the mouth will be treated as a moustache, and anything lower than the mouth as a beard. However, the Police will disregard any hair shorter than two centimetres.
Winge: What about a droopy moustache which extends below someone’s mouth?
Boyle: In that case, if the hair is longer than two centimetres, that will be treated as both a beard and moustache, of course. We have to draw the line somewhere.
Winge: And long, bushy sideburns?
Boyle: Sideburns won’t be prohibited so long as they don’t obscure the face.
Winge: How will police be able to tell whether the hair length is within legal limits?
Boyle: All operational police will carry a piece of simple technology—a tape measure—to get an accurate reading of hair length.
Winge: But won’t it be difficult to use a measuring device that needs both hands, while simultaneously restraining a suspect who is likely to be resisting or trying to escape?
Boyle: Our police are more than capable of meeting such a challenge, believe me.
Winge: With only 15,000 police staff in the entire country, won’t they be vastly overstretched by the numbers of beard and moustache wearers? And especially in rural areas where there are very few staff, how will they cope with what seems likely to be a considerable surge in offending? There are some smaller towns where the beard-and-moustache wearers will heavily outnumber the available police, surely. How will they handle this, as well as dealing with other crimes?
Boyle: These are the kinds of challenges which our police have been confronting for many years. I’m confident they’ll step up when they’re needed. And to ensure that we have adequate resources, we plan to mobilise shearing gangs to assist the Police where necessary.
Winge: On a different point, doesn’t the proposed legislation breach a number of provisions of the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act and the Human Rights Act? Apart from limiting such rights as the freedom of association, doesn’t it also discriminate against men? After all, it’s normally only men who grow beards or moustaches.
Boyle: The new law will inconvenience some people, no doubt. But I don’t accept that it discriminates against men. Once it comes into force it will apply to all genders. Anyone, of any gender, who chooses to grow facial hair will be dealt with in the same way as men.
Winge: Including police staff who have beards and moustaches?
Boyle: Of course. I’m sure the Police don’t expect special treatment just because they’re police.
Winge: Aren’t you overlooking the interference with personal freedoms?
Boyle: No, we haven’t overlooked that, but there are times when individual rights have to make way for the greater good of the community.
Winge: What about those men who grow their hair—facial or otherwise—for religious reasons? The 20,000 Sikh men who live in New Zealand, for instance?
Boyle: Any change in the law creates disadvantage for some people. But we can’t make exceptions for minority groups—even Sikhs.
Winge: If I’ve understood correctly, then, the Police will be able to detain anyone whose beard or moustache breaches the new law, and trim or shave them—by force if necessary—as well as arresting them.
Boyle: That’s right.
Winge: Where will the trimming or shaving be done?
Boyle: All police stations and patrol cars will be equipped with supplies of scissors, razors and shaving cream. If the offender is prepared to accompany the arresting officer to the nearest police station, it can be done there. Otherwise, wherever the offender is arrested.
Winge: In the street, in full view of children and shoppers?
Boyle: If necessary.
Winge: Don’t you expect resistance from the public to this new measure?
Boyle: I don’t see people would object to it. I’m confident that the vast majority of New Zealanders will understand that this will go a long way to reduce crime.
Winge: Some people might suggest that it would be more efficient and cost-effective to round up all the likely offenders and place them in a concentration camp. How do you respond to that?
Boyle: I haven’t heard that suggested, and if it’s your idea of a joke, it’s in very poor taste. Although, now I think about it, maybe—
Winge: Sorry to interrupt, Minister, but that’s all we have time for. Thank you coming on the programme.
That’s our show for tonight. Join us again at the same time next week, when I’ll be talking to the Easter Bunny.
Thanks for reading The Erratic Cook! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Another great piece from you Roger. I laughed like a drain. So like what we get from the polys these days . Brilliant . Russell.